Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
