Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
