So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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