four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
