Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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