R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize