also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
