I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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