Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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