I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
