Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Hippo gnu deer
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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