Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
