Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
home. puking in laundry basket.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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