Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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