I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
