mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
