ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize