god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
