I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize