i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
