I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Who did Billy Mays play for?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Randomize
