I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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