I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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