I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
