I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
