If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
