i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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