Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
