I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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