and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
