You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
