when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
