Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
