Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Is it because I queefed?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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