I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
