Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
