he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
