Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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