I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
