I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
