If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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