it was like his penis was on wheels.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Randomize
