I accidentally burped into my bong.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
