btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
