Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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