Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
