I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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