All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
