Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
