My hand turned me down
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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