Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We got so high we made milksteak
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
