Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
