everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Randomize
