I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
