the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
