I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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