I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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