i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
