Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
